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...this is the really big one!

I clown around a lot... much more than I use to... the freer I get... the freer I am to fool around... I don't take myself so seriously any more... but that wasn't always true.. Once I had dealt with the really big one.... I got free...  before that I clowned around to hide... to pretend that I was really on top of it all... had my act together... I was actually under the power of the really big one... rejection.

That's the best card  the enemy has to play... and he plays it on everyone... nobody misses out... it may come at us from all kinds of different directions... family... friends... school... work...  doesn't matter...but it comes... wave after wave crashing against the shores of our lives.

One of the ways I clowned around and hid ... was I would sing the little rejection ditty  and everybody would laugh.... "Nobody loves me... everybody hates me... I'm gonna go eat worms!"... I was hiding and laughing because I believed it was true and actually wanted to cry...

I  told you about the rejection from my dad... Philip the dumb head.. from all his beatings... from my Mom not interfering with those beatings... from my grandmother who thought I was a good for nothing  who wouldn't amount to anything.... from the principal... from my parents not standing up for me...and that was barely the opening round of play in this game of life!

Besides all that God didn't want me... I could never be a priest... I could never achieve God's highest good... I figured my obsession with the feminine form was probably the highest form of depravity.  Priests didn't get married.  I knew that I had to get married... the quicker the better... otherwise I was going to go straight to hell from all my "impure thoughts"  that I kept confessing to the priest every week...

When I took a girl out someplace I was actually shopping for a wife...  I got engaged to the first one that said yes... I was 17... except her father said no... more rejection... usually I was rejected by the girls... now I get rejected by the father of a yes....   :)

Then miracle of miracles... one finally said yes  when I was 19...  and her parents said yes as well... I was just turned 20... we got married... sex was now ok... I wouldn't have to go to hell after all... all my problems were solved now... right?

Wrong... actually they were just beginning... I suddenly discovered that marriage just opened up the fountain of lust  for me... I could not believe it... marriage was supposed to resolve all that... I still had the same old obsession for the female form...even more than ever since I had now actually seen one naked... not only seen but discovered how all the equipment worked....Mumford used to call it UFO's... (Unclad Female Objects)... King David had a problem too... a UFO up on a roof named Bathsheba... he was married too... he still had a problem...

Every guy I had ever met or ever known at that point had the same problem.  I began to question my Catholicism... it just didn't work... all I did was feel guilty all the time... so I made my decision... not a very bright one... I figured that since I was going to hell anyway... I might just as well have a good time  along the way...

Obviously this story is just beginning... this time though it was not me that was being rejected...this time... I was rejecting  something... I was rejecting my religion.  

Must confess to being a bit apprehensive... not really knowing how the big guy in the big chair was going to react to this very bad ex-catholic boy  and his not so bright decision.

:)
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