when they come... when those "ugliests"  come... life as I know it grinds to a halt... the questions come... the silence comes.... but no answers...

and they do come... those ugliests... again and again and again... and each time... I go thru the same process... questions... silence.. no answers... so... in my never ending quest to be "as God"... I create my own answer... an answer to satisfy myself... one that I can live with... and I go on... until the next "ugliest".....

I've done this all my life... until just recently... it's been over the past couple years... that I finally discovered that my need for answers was simply my natural man being my natural man... my need to be as God... my need to have a reason for everything so I can control things... my need to know so I can prevent it from happening ever again... there has to be a cause and effect... then once I understand and know... I can teach the cause... in order to  prevent the effect...  sorry....

Doesn't work that way... actually... that's what my problem is... my natural man that needs to know... that needs to control everything in my life... when actually... it is a mystery... the whole thing is a mystery... we are not supposed to know...only He knows what is going to happen... and Philip ain't Him...

There is only one place I can go with my "ugliests"... to His son... where I embrace the cross... embrace not knowing.... embrace not controling anything... embrace no longer playing God... embrace not having a reason.... and let God do what He wants...

There is no "reason" that caused the horror... it is not for me to know... all Philip needs to know is that in some strange crazy way... that God will turn this latest "ugliests" into His eternal purpose for putting me here...

and I don't need to know