that was all I could think of when I finally saw it... when the full impact of what I was doing to put people into terrible bondage... that was it... all I could think was the horror... the horror... I never asked God to forgive me for any sin faster than that one... that one of being the professional minister who was supposed to be helping people be set free... and instead was locking them in a prison of guilt and self condemnation that they might never get out of...  it doesn't get much worse than that... and it happens every day in our religious systems...

This isn't Philip throwing rocks... this is Philip confessing publicly his sin... confessing his being chief among sinners... hoping against hope that perchance someone who sees this will also be able to grasp the horror... the horror... and begin the journey into the promised land ... where we can enter into His rest.

That was a line from one of the most horrific award winning movies of all time..."Apocalypse Now"... where Marlon Brando is dying and his final words are mumbled.... "the horror... the horror"

I promised some specifics last time... specifics of the horror that turned everything back in on the ones I was supposed to be helping.... I felt God had called me to set people free by exposing their sins and calling them to repentance... I was on a personal crusade to stamp out sin in the Body of Christ... I was so tired of watching leader after leader in the churches falling into sin... I was certain I was God's man to get after this horror in the church.

In pursuing that supposed call on my life... I became one of those in leadership that was actually promoting a horror much greater than the one I was trying to stamp out.

And in the explanation of all this I have once again gone on too long... so the specifics will have to wait yet another day.